“Their opinion is legitimate, but mine is not.”

Aurora (not her real name) is a student and aspiring writer. She told how she preserves her psyche and pacifist views in a country where one’s own values ​​are punished.

– I am writing to you, hoping for safety and anonymity. I consider it necessary to speak out against aggression at least in this way.

I am already an adult girl, studying at the university. During the holidays and on free evenings I study with psychologists in a private center.

I am not Russian, I live in Belarus - in a state that is no less dangerous for dissidents. Until I was 15–16 years old, I remained an absolutely apolitical person. Throughout my childhood, I was firmly convinced that all good people are free, and only criminals are in prison, that all presidents are, by definition, honest and fair people, otherwise they would not have been elected to this position, because adults are smart.

Several years ago, I began to thoroughly study information about protests and rallies in Belarus in 2020, about the war between Russia and Ukraine, about all the injustices and atrocities committed by Lukashenko, Putin and everyone on their side. My familiar world collapsed. This realization was unbearable and physically painful.

For a long time I did not notice the connection between the full-scale invasion and the introduction of all these misanthropic laws. For the Russian state, the war with a neighboring country has turned into a war with the “collective West” and “wrong” values, which must be opposed to “our traditional ones,” which include inciting hatred and discord based on innate characteristics or because of one’s own opinion. Cold War 2.0.

I’m amazed: how could I not know about all this? How did all this pass me by so much?

As a child, I firmly believed that the last major war in human history was World War II. How can you repeat this kind of mistake? How can countries that were once victims of military attack become aggressors themselves?

Before the war, I lived with dreams of how I would grow up, become a famous writer and poet, be officially published, and have my books translated into other languages. I paid a lot of attention in my texts to the topic of sexual orientation and gender identity; there were many obvious feminist and pacifist motives in them.

I published new chapters on the Internet, including on Fikbook, and kept a personal blog, where I spoke openly. But soon Russia, and after it Belarus, was hit with new discriminatory laws and bans on literature that contradicted the official ideology.

Since then, I haven’t been able to calmly write or shoot videos. I had to hide all my publications from public access, delete digital traces and literally erase myself from the Internet. At that time I was a high school student.

For many months, suffocating anxiety and feelings of guilt dragged on: “God forbid, somewhere on social networks there is an uncleaned like, repost, subscription, save or post! You are letting yourself and your family down. Do you want to go to jail? Do you want those you care about to be imprisoned or fined?”

At the university, among the teachers, there are several outspoken opponents of my values. One said that Alexander Grigoryevich is a wonderful president and, like a “father” for his people, that “all enemies of the state must be hated,” she even bought T-shirts and sweaters with quotes from the presidents. Another had a negative attitude towards Western countries, childfree people, LGBT people, and often used hate speech. He spoke very harshly to a girl who made a presentation about a performer recognized in Russia as a “foreign agent” for her anti-war statements.

It's scary that I couldn't resist it. She felt like a powerless and powerless “unwitting servant” who could be punished for her opinion. It hurts that their opinion is legal in my country, but mine is not.

I forbade myself to relax, I was tense all day long, and everywhere I felt like a midge under a microscope. It seemed that if I let my guard down, I would definitely make a fatal mistake.

Thank God, by now I have almost managed to rehabilitate myself. I no longer wake up wondering if I will go to jail for liking, subscribing or reposting. You have to control your digital security within reason, but without unnecessary overreach. There is no more fear that I will be detained for a simple heart-to-heart conversation on the street.

In addition to conversations with trusted people, I express my position in pins on backpacks and prints on T-shirts. I listen to Noize MC, Monetochka, my fellow countryman Ap$ent and many other independent artists.

I try to let only sensible, kind and tolerant people into my environment, with whom you can be yourself in everything and feel calm. In addition to family members, I include friends, my boyfriend, and any like-minded people in general among these people.

I consider myself a pacifist, a feminist, and an LGBTQ+ hetero ally. It is very painful to be caught in a ring of threats, prohibitions, and anti-human laws. I have the right to be an ordinary person and take care of my safety. Taking care of yourself is not a betrayal or abandonment of your values. It is impossible to change the world with a snap of fingers, this is normal, because we are not gods.

I find solace in my longtime favorite hobbies—writing and reading. I write autofiction stories. Through the lives of fictional characters, I work through my own experiences and learn to cope with them. I collect queer literature that has not yet been banned: I buy it from resellers or in the form of reprints. Drawing and music help, as well as acceptance from like-minded people. I am very glad that I also change someone’s life and can be a support and support for someone.

New like-minded people in the person of friends and a boyfriend helped me with this. I no longer see a potential enemy in everyone I meet. But it’s still scary to meet new people if the person doesn’t open up first.

I chose the “island of safety” strategy - deliberately creating a safe space where you can say anything. Often my efforts pay off. None of my family and friends are supporters of the current government either in Russia or in Belarus.

Fortunately, there is no pressure on me because I refuse on principle to join the Belarusian Republican Youth Union and am only a member of the trade union. To support with my money the system that took away my carefree youth and thousands of nerve cells is beyond my strength.

No to war.

Glory to Ukraine! Russia will be free! Long live Belarus!

Let the swans dance.