When dad is home

Photo project about being a father

After the birth of my child, I began to communicate with women in maternal chats. Many told the same story: the husband is at work all the time, it is impossible to leave the child with him, there is no strength left, moral burnout gradually sets in.

In Russia (and not only) traditionally, the father’s participation in the life of the family has been reduced to the role of breadwinner: he works, and all other worries are on the mother.

Gradually this scenario is changing. Dads are present at births, meet in hospital wards, with strollers, on playgrounds. Some men even go on maternity leave or simply work remotely; women also work without losing their maternal role.

Stas and FeodoraPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

But most young parents already have their own, new family model that they are developing. Often - when they had a completely different example before their eyes.

I spoke with several families where the standard role of the father is modified: how they share care for the child, cope with fatigue and what kind of father he is, who is really there.

“To be a conscious father, you must be a conscious person”

Stas, 38 years old, Maria, 32 years old. Children: Theodora, 5 years old

Stas and Masha are sitting in the kitchen, flooded with light: Theodora comes running and immediately climbs into her dad’s arms, reaching for his beard - to touch, pull, explore. Remote work allowed Stas to be included from the very beginning: changing diapers, walking, cooking. It was not easy, there were almost no relatives nearby, and in five years, Theodora was never left without her parents for a long time.

“I myself grew up without a mother, I was raised by my grandmother. My parents got married early, and at the age of 20 they had me. When I was three, my mother went to the zone, my father was young and did not really understand what was happening. As an adult, I had to define for myself what a family is,” says Stas.

Stas, Maria and FeodoraPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

He used to be a musician, went on tour, and now directs children's cartoons. Stas says: “My girls” - and smiles. But he admits that all his life he did not know how to behave with children. “When Theodora appeared, the realization came that the trick of your child is that he is yours. I am very glad that I managed to survive all the stages of growing up. To be a conscious father, perhaps you just need to be a conscious person.”

Stas and FeodoraPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Stas and FeodoraPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Mask of TheodoraPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

During pregnancy, Masha’s greatest fear was the lack of support. The couple discussed many things in advance. “I immediately said: I’ll show you how to change a diaper, once and then do it yourself.” Once, when Theodora was ill for a long time, Masha was so tired that she decided to leave for a couple of days, to be alone, Stas reacted to this with understanding.

“It was necessary. I came back and it became easier,” recalls Masha.

"Do everything"

Olya, 31 years old, Nikita, 30 years old. Children: Vasilisa, 9 years old, Danila, 6 years old, Timofey, 4 years old

Olya is a ceramic artist who successfully presents her works at exhibitions and galleries. When you see such people on social networks, you immediately ask the question: “How does she manage everything with three children?! Maybe she has a nanny?

Olya doesn’t have a nanny, but she has competent planning and a reliable rear support - her husband. “We share responsibilities between two people, and it’s like juggling balls: one starts, the other picks up. My work is creative and does not bring a stable income. But my husband loves what I do. Now I’m a little nervous that I have to go to study, to the workshop, and Nikita remains at home, with the children, alone and combines this with online work,” says Olya.

Nikita dances with VasilisaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Vasilisa doing makeup for TimofeyPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Nikita plays with TimofeyPhoto: Anna Plyusnina TimofeyPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

“All children are different: Vasilisa is more independent, Danila loves me very much, and Timofey loves his dad. Even if Timofey falls, he immediately calls him, and if dad is not around, I have to explain that only I have access, this sometimes offends.”

Nikita sighs and says that the main resource now is time. Of course, there is very little of it when you need to do everything. “With my first child, I just went to work until I was 18. Now I’m more involved: in the morning we go to kindergarten, school, in the afternoon we have lunch, and almost everyone has extra classes. Danila and I go to a speech therapist, and at home I work with him myself.” Now Nikita works remotely.

Olya and Nikita with children Photo: Anna Plyusnina Olya and NikitaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Nikita and TimofeyPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

Dad's superpower

Evgeniy, 35 years old, Lisa, 30 years old. Children: Agata, 1.6 months

When I enter the apartment, Evgeniy comes out to meet me: “I’ll quickly run to the shower, okay? I haven’t been there for a long time.” Agatha's crying is heard from the room. She is only one and a half months old, and her parents are just getting used to having a baby at home. Zhenya is an assistant professor at the university, doing research and teaching. Now he works in person a couple of days a week, the rest of the time he spends at home.

“I almost immediately started staying with Agatha. The only question is whether there will be enough expressed milk,” he says. “We have no relatives, grandparents, or grandparents here.” We rely mostly on each other. This is our child and first of all our responsibility.”

Zhenya and LisaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Zhenya goes for a walk with AgataPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

Zhenya confidently picks up tiny Agatha, then deftly changes the diaper: “If something bothers her, she screams. So, we need to figure it out: change the diaper, feed, massage. Screaming is annoying, but it’s hard to piss me off.”

Now the work is done in fits and starts: “If I need to do something, I put her in the sling and try to work. It works with varying degrees of success. But I was ready for this - we agreed: one or two days a week for Liza, she can work or get some air.”

Zhenya with AgataPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Poster above the cribPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

Lisa comes into the room, she says that she was much more worried than her husband about everything that concerns the child, that Zhenya has a superpower - to calm everyone down: cats, people, children. “When Agatha was born, at first there was a surge of happiness, but after a couple of days it seemed to turn off. I didn’t understand what to do, I walked around like a sleepwalker, and cried. It felt like postpartum depression. It’s good that Zhenya was there: he supported me and took on a lot of things, my condition quickly improved.”

Zhenya shows cards to AgathaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

His girls

Alexey, 38 years old, Ekaterina, 37 years old. Children: Vasilisa, 9 years old, Mira, 7 years old, Rada, 3 years old, Nastya, 1 year old

A tall man with a balalaika in his hands is teaching a class in a spacious hall. Adults and children run, bump shoulders, laugh—they learn to build relationships with each other through play. From time to time a girl runs up to him, hugs him and immediately runs back. This is Vasilisa, one of Alexei’s four daughters.

Vasilisa and Mira remove snow from the roof of the house Photo: Anna Plyusnina

“I have always been more interesting with children than with adults. It all started when we were looking for how to develop our children: we went to camps, got together, played outdoor games. Then they began to organize meetings themselves using Andrei Karimov’s “Fathers and Sons” system in St. Petersburg.”

After work, Alexey puts the girls in the car and drives home. Katya is waiting there with her two youngest daughters. Alexey quickly prepares lunch. “We don’t have a strict division of responsibilities. Well, except for the obvious: I take out the trash and she breastfeeds. That’s why the garbage has been lying around for two days,” he smiles.

Alexey and Ekaterina with their daughters Vasilisa, Mira and RadaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

Apart from the first, all of Ekaterina and Alexei’s births were joint and took place at home. Previously, Ekaterina worked in medicine, but over time she went into psychology.

“A woman often decides for herself how to treat, educate, and what classes her child should attend. And the husband can only bring the maximum amount of money into the house. A woman’s task, if she has a desire, is to help her man rebuild,” says Ekaterina.

Mira eats an icicle on the street Photo: Anna Plyusnina

“My own parents were divorced, I missed my dad, so I specifically gave my children to Lesha: I wanted them to be closer. They are all daddy's girls, they look like him. A woman does not need confirmation that she has given birth. But it is important for a man to hear that the child is like him - this helps to recognize the baby as part of himself and take part in everything.”

Alexey conducts a lesson on the “Fathers and Sons” system. Photo: Anna Plyusnina

Alexey says that their life changed every time a new child appeared. “Our self-realization occurs thanks to them - and because of them it is stopped. Either Katya works or I do. We even have an unspoken competition: whoever leaves home first to go to work wins. The second thing that remains is to meditate with children.”

Nastya, the youngest daughter of Alexei and EkaterinaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

"Formerly one - now two"

Ksyusha, 35 years old, Andrey, 30 years old. Children: Sonya, 1.5 years old

“Now this is the best time - spent at home,” says Andrey, blogger and musician. — Over there, in the corner, is my workplace, if necessary, you can put a screen. Mom still spends more time with Sonya, but I’m always there. If I have to go somewhere for a long time, I feel uncomfortable, I think about how they are there, what they are doing.” The mother of one and a half year old Sonya works as a model.

Andrey and Sonya on a walkPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

When asked how it is to work at home with a small child, Andrey shrugs his shoulders and says that he’s used to it. “Online work is when you don’t have days off. You work at night, you work during the day. But with the advent of Sonya, I have more energy. Previously there was one person you care about, now there are two. I don't style it on purpose. Sometimes we just play and she falls asleep with me.”

KseniaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

While we are talking, Ksyusha manages to put on makeup and record a video for the blog. Looking at her, it’s hard to believe that she recently went through a difficult pregnancy.

“I have often seen how a woman remains with her child 24/7 without support - and fatigue and anger accumulate. This then hits the relationship hard. All people are different, I don’t feel that motherhood is the only thing I need,” says Ksyusha. — I love my job. Two or three weeks after giving birth, I was called for a shoot, and I immediately agreed. We try to integrate the child into our lives, and not vice versa.”

Andrey in the kitchen Photo: Anna Plyusnina Andrey plays with SonyaPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Dad dresses Sonya for a walk Photo: Anna Plyusnina

Have time to live with them

Kirill, 34 years old, Alesya, 35 years old. Children: Rada and Liya, 4 years old

Alesya and Kirill have twins: Rada and Liya. The girls were born prematurely, and at first the life of the parents was a real challenge. After a difficult birth, Alesya could not rock the children, and Kirill did this. At night he helped his wife bottle feed, and in the morning he got up and went to work.

Kirill with his daughters Rada and Leah on a walkPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

“When the children were born, my wife and I were like zombies: during the day I went to work and fell asleep right in front of the bosses, they even wanted to fire me. But after my explanations they changed their minds. Sometimes I had to work at home: I took my laptop and worked in the closet, because the children made it difficult to concentrate,” Kirill recalls, while his daughters choose which dress to wear.

Sometimes Kirill works in the closet so that no one disturbs him. Photo: Anna Plyusnina Rada and Liya eat cotton candy that dad brought Photo: Anna Plyusnina Kirill combs his daughters’ hairPhoto: Anna Plyusnina

Now Kirill works, and Alesya spends time at home with the children. But even with a busy five-day period, the father tries to participate in the lives of the little ones: in the morning he takes them to kindergarten, in the evening he reads books. They have their own favorite game - beauty salon.

Kirill says that the only thing he is not yet used to is the constant feeling of anxiety about providing his family with everything they need: “And you also need to have time to live with them in order to remember them as little princesses. The kind of father you will be in your daughter’s eyes determines which life partner she will choose in the future. I understood this thanks to my wife.”

“A father doesn’t “help”, he is a parent like a mother! We live in an age of technology, and even if dad is at work, he can be in contact via video conference and help solve various issues. Now I also want to go to work,” says Alesya.

Massage for dadPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Kirill helps Rada climb the hillPhoto: Anna Plyusnina Kirill after the games Photo: Anna Plyusnina * * *

When fathers hold their children in their arms, they seem to be learning to hold themselves - in a new role for themselves, where there are no ready-made instructions. Each family chooses its own path and distributes responsibilities differently. But the very attempts to negotiate, make mistakes and do the right things, let each other breathe and just be there are perhaps the most important things in parenting.