I am against the war, but I am silent

What should I consider myself shit now?

During the war in public space, people with polar positions are most noticeable: those who actively opposed and after that ended up in exile either in the colony, and Z-activists who support the invasion. The “cold” gives the floor to a representative of the silent anti-war layer of Russians, 24-year-old Ksenia from Chelyabinsk, who discusses how life is felt in modern Russia, why she does not dare to emigrate and whom she would like to see the president.

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General context and head of a neighbor

I see that now in Russia anti -tuned people go to single pickets and then go to bars. I do not do that, although I am also against the war. It generally seems to me that neither I, nor even those who today “ZA”, nor the inhabitants of Donbass were needed. My friend fought there, and he also thinks so.

I do not speak out in social networks: I have a little more than 100 subscribers - who will be interested? In principle, I am a non -public person, and I keep my thoughts to myself. From the fact that I will put a black square on social networks on the day of the shelling or other tragedy, it will not be easier for Ukrainians, especially if they have just died close.

Today's Russian Galim Patriotism is an attempt to equalize, to make the same people in what unanimity cannot be. We belong to one country, but this does not mean that we are all the same. It is as if many forget about it when they talk about Russians. Yes, we have a general context, but this does not make the neighbor’s head with my head. There is no such thing that Russians are a single mass. In this sense, I do not understand why I should feel guilty for the one who unleashed this war, or for the one who goes and kills. Personally, my hands are clean.

I have friends who believe that everything that happened is justified. It hurts me from this, but we continue to communicate, and they do not point my fingers at me. Sometimes I look at the clothes of one of them with the letter Z and just think: "Fuck, fucked up." But I do not consider it necessary to speak about it every time. At the same time, they know that I am other views, and sometimes they say: "Here you are liberal."

I know a girl from a small city who, at every acquaintance, says: “I am radical liberal and femo-grooms, and I can’t communicate with those who do not share them.” But I have other values. I appreciate the people with whom I had a common context. I would not now deliberately build close relationships with quilted jackets: fuck me this schiza on my head? But with loved ones, I will not break off the connections. We can argue with friends, but we will not quarrel - sometimes we just argue for hours. And most often we just do not discuss it.

I won’t condemn some kind of grandmother-gathering-who am I? If she has some kind of illusion, then let her believe in her, since it helps her to live her difficult life when her knees hurt and she has nothing to pay for the apartment. But when I see the letters Z in institutions, I am in ahuam every time. I feel a fierce cring every time. At my last job, the boss for one of the calls put a T -shirt with the letter Z and said that it was fashionable. I look and think: "Lord, take it off and do not disgrace." About this, I really think that this means being involved in the war and in the future it can be considered a moral crime.

If there were no such people, we, adequate Russians, could say that we are against and not in business, this is all Putin. And with such people in society you can’t say so. Therefore, it is a shame that everyone is equal to this cohort of people who puts on the Z-Simvolic, although the other part of Russia experiences Spanish shame.

Either political prisoners who are sitting or zetniks are noticeable. And people like me are not represented in the media, because they do not cause any emotions.

In the West, it seems to me, everyone believes that the minority is political prisoners, and the most of the Zetnikov, although, if you look at society, as a rule, the majority are just peaceful people who do not want any evil to anyone and just want to live a peaceful life, but they do not succeed.

Conditional comfort

In the city where I live, the war is not particularly felt. Here rockets do not fly. Such a reality around allows you to live without an acute internal conflict.

When I read about Nazi Germany, I understood, for example, that I would not be able to live in a country where you can be beaten on the street or to beat people with you for political reasons. If people began to plant, as there, I would not stand it.

How the repressions in Germany passed

Repressions in Germany began shortly after Adolf Hitler became a chancellor. Since then, in Germany, arrests and beatings of both foreigners and German citizens regularly have been described by American journalist Eric Larson in the book “In the Garden of Monsters”. In addition to the Holocaust, during which 6 million Jews died, from 1933 to 1945, the Nazis killed about 3.3 million Soviet prisoners, about 1.8 million Poles, at least 250 thousand representatives of the rum people, more than 310 thousand Serbs, about 300 thousand people with disabilities, tens of thousands of political opponents of the Nazis and disagreed with their politician German citizens, about 35 thousand prisoners concentration camps related to the group of “professional criminals” and “asocial persons”, about 1,700 Jehovah's witnesses, hundreds of representatives of LGBT and black people in Germany. - approx. "Cold".

If in Russia everything is so bad, it is likely that I will leave. Frank racism, Nazism and physical violence are the last red flag for me. But now I still feel that there is an opportunity not to approve what is happening. The authorities do not force to agree with everything - there is still this gap in Russia, which was no longer in Germany during the Second World War.

In Russia, there is still a comfortable life. Although prices have risen, I can afford to buy delicious high -quality food, go to restaurants. But this is all conditional comfort: in some little things it is, but in global things-no. And you can’t afford super -stabile things: the prices of apartments, for cars, have risen very much. That is, if earlier I looked in and thought: now I will save a couple of million rubles and take for cash, now these millions can only be wiped. This is very disappointing.

There are no sensations of the future here. I do not understand whether in such a situation it is worth taking a mortgage with the guy - what if we leave one day? I was even more convinced that we do not need to have children, because how to educate them here? I cannot control what is happening in schools - zombies and so on. And the horror is that many teachers really believe in this propaganda. And, God forbid, a boy will be born? To grow cannon meat is terrible.

The choice of marginal life

As if Russia is becoming more and more marginal, and I do not like it. Zeetry is the same marginalization of society: adequate mental processes are disconnected, there is a return to something to the animal. This is against my gut.

It seems to me that at some point everyone had a choice that could allow him not to slide down to a marginal life. I strictly belong to such people, because I overcame it a lot. They chose to be stupid, not to delve into, to do some things that you can’t call any other ways: tell men to go to war, wear a T-shirt with the letter Z, support what is happening.

My family is not to say that it is prosperous. Nevertheless, everyone has long understood that what is happening in Russia is some kind of fucked up. And talking about this has been drawn for decades, probably. My relatives are against the authorities, but at the same time they would not support the [murdered oppositionist Alexei] Navalny or [oppositionist Mikhail] Khodorkovsky. They are simply scared to change something again, because they survived the 1990s and fixed such a pattern that changes are a total fucked up: either default or some other garbage. Many of my relatives of such a warehouse of mind really drowned for the [deceased head of the LDPR Vladimir] Zhirinovsky.

I do not see people strongly succumbed to Russian propaganda. My guy is not that homophobic, he is neutral about LGBT, but it is very bad to gay parades, he does not like Netflix LGBT for the propaganda, for example. But when in Russia at the state level they began to hate LGBT, it resisted: they say, what is normal guys, what are you starting. That is, when it shows too much, it gives the opposite effect. I see that people more often began to be distrustful of such laws: they say, they are already carrying some kind of garbage in power. It seems to me that it only becomes more distrust of power.

I personally are not scared that it will happen after the change of power - at all fuck. After the election with the guy, we discussed, and he said: "Be at least any homeless person who could overtake Putin, everyone would vote for him." It would be great if the [president] was [the murdered opposition] Boris Nemtsov - really such a man who would take Russia for eggs and led it to a brighter future. But I soberly evaluate reality and understand that it would be good if any person had already come with a fresh look. Maybe they would then listen to political scientists, they would be released political prisoners who simply sit for anything. I am glad that now they exchanged Russian political prisoners, it was nice to see their faces. But it would be better if all this was not and behind bars for his words, no one would sit.

Not everyone can leave

I think about emigration every time there are rumors about mobilization, because I live with a guy whom they can call. I do not understand his calmness about the fact that he would not be allegedly taken away. Sometimes I see how long ago emigrated returning from the posts: "I do not see happiness anywhere except my native Russia." Their business. But to myself, I think: "Oh, fools, run."

When some of my friends went abroad after the start of the war, I did not know how to react to it. I still do not fit in my head, as people go there in general, how it happens. I myself have never been abroad and really don’t know if I want to emigrate.

On the one hand, I would like to live in a more free society, in a country, in respect of which at least less sanctions, or where there are amenities, even minimal ones - for example, I bother to go on Instagram with VPN.

But, on the other hand, it’s scary that I will lose even what I have now in exile. If I save my work, I will receive rubles - money that is very difficult to use in another state. I’m not sure that I can find a job in another country, that without losing the quality of life I will adapt to life there. Here I live quite well, I can afford that, most likely, I can’t allow there. I went to this for a very long time, and here - Hop - and this should be abandoned.

I do not understand how I could argue my move even at the bureaucratic level. For example, I cannot emigrate as journalists or political activists who really run away from personal threats - I will not have a motive for political persecution.

That is, emigration for me is a decrease in the quality and standard of living, possibly, a language barrier, and as a result of this, a decrease in the quality of communication. Additional internal and possibly external conflicts. I did not communicate with any European and, perhaps, it simply says propaganda, but as if there is a feeling of censure of Russians from the West. As an adult, I would have taken out if they looked at me due to my passport, but it would not be very pleasant to live in such a society.

I do not think that there is some conflict of those who remained and left. On the Internet, of course, I see that someone writes: "Here, I left, you, carrion, stay, well, and sit there." There is a condemnation of those who do not agree with the Russian authorities, but do not emigrate. I saw this in social networks. But basically, this, of course, is the condemnation of those who, in principle, have the possibility: for example, people who have a media weight and at the same time they, as it were, “in the rat” and do not leave. It seems to me that this can be said about Nastya Ivleeva. I have not seen ordinary people condemned.

If they say this about me, I will not be offended - after all, this is just the opinion of another person. Somehow I don’t accept this on my own. Yes, there is truth in these words, but what is it to me now, to consider myself shit after that? The truth is that the Russians pay taxes, and they really go to military support. But at the same time, for example, I do not have many taxes. And my guy is unofficially employed - generally wonderful.

Not everyone can leave. My aunt, for example, is against the authorities, but she lived in the village all her life. She recently only could move to the city, and she was quite difficult for her.

It would be easier for me to go abroad, but, no matter how strange it sounds now, I am a person who does not like big changes in his life. Of course, I want the power to change, and is ready for the fact that, starting from this moment, and my life will change. But otherwise, I need to put a knife straight to my throat so that cardinal changes occur in my life. However, if there was an urgent threat that my boyfriend would be taken to serve, I would emigrate with him instantly.

Terrible socialization

On February 24, 2022, I was generally not enough. And there was really a feeling that it was all lies, that it was some kind of fake. It’s not that I'm some kind of dumb, I just don’t even want to believe that [there is] war, that such a tin is happening. I would like not to really believe in it.

I still worked in the place where the Russian government was strongly supported. This is a reputation agency, which subsequently wanted to cooperate with the state and wash the reputation of politicians, but they did not succeed. And in the early days of the war, when the whole team was in shock when I did not know how to relate to what was happening, our leader directly said: “You either accept the position of the Russian Federation and think that President of the Russian Federation Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin is fucked up and top, and you continue to work with us, or you are quitting.” I just said nothing at that moment, because I worked there for only two months, but I thought: what kind of Herota she carries. It was a personal agenda of the leader, no one lowered her a political position from above - this is a private business. I had a conflict inside, because I was against it.

But in the first year of the war, I wanted to abstract from what was happening. There were many problems: the growth of the dollar, less and less domestic things are available, you are worried about this. I lived according to the principle of Professor Preobrazhensky from the "dog heart": "Do not read before lunch of Soviet newspapers." Yes, I knew about some heavy things that occur, including about buch . But I realized for myself: terrible, crimes are happening. And this understanding was enough for me, so I stopped reading the media so as not to injure myself further.

But even if I did not read the media purposefully, still a military agenda penetrated my space. I read the blogger to Milan Petrov, who was still writing and filming under the name Andrei Petrov ( before the announcement of her transgenderness, she was one of the popularizers of men's makeup in Russia, after the Russian invasion of Ukraine Petrov took an anti -war position and made a harsh criticism of the Russian authorities. - Approx. “Cold” ), one way or another there, this topic slipped there.

I learned something from first-hand. It so happened that before the start of the war was a conscript and signed a contract shortly before February. He later tried to quit - shortly before mobilization he wanted to do this, because he began to strain this topic. He was sent on vacation. And then mobilization banged - his contract was extended indefinitely. And then everything: he goes to hot spots, and do not turn anything back in any way.

I remember when he was wounded, I hung on the phone for about half a day to understand what happened to him. He was listed as a missing person, and then it turned out that he was in some hospital-and you hang on the phone with friends, transmit information to someone, then, fifth to ten.

Then he came here and began to tell terrible things. I wanted to see him, but at the same time I was very afraid, because you never know what happened to him there. It seemed to me that such an experience could very much change it. He would even a little with a bastard, but here you don’t know what to expect from someone who is capable of everything. And for me to go to fight is to be capable of everything.

There were no direct questions “and you killed?”, Of course, still did not want to climb into his sore, but there was an interest. He told how they lived in the trenches there: what is very dirty, there was no way to wash, even tanks managed to poison us with how he equipped everything. But at the same time, at some point there was such a question, they say, whether you had to ... and he said: "Yes, it had to be." And did not continue the conversation. He said that war turns a person into an animal. That is, he thought differently there, did not perceive it as a crime, because he was threatened with his life and he relied on the thesis: here you or you. And then, he said, you come and begin to rethink, you begin to remember, and you remember other people's eyes, and all in general. And this socialization that I watched is very terrible. Maybe they are therefore not released from the front.

I listened to him and decided that I will never ask such questions.

Battles with internal demons

When Navalny died , my heart broke into thousands of fragments. Я правда верила, что Алексей выйдет из тюрьмы и сможет составить достойную конкуренцию Владимиру Путину. Я в него верила как в человека. Казалось, он был настолько правильных моральных ориентиров, что никогда не смог бы поступить подло. Ни в кого из нынешних политиков я так не верю, к сожалению.

Я уже ушла к тому моменту от той начальницы-ватницы, работала в другом месте, причем в опенспейсе. И когда там коллега сказала, что Навальный умер, у меня внутри все упало. И другой коллега все никак не мог ее расслышать и миллион раз переспрашивал, мол, что случилось. И я на весь офис заорала: «Да Навальный умер! Do you understand? " Все просто, как сверчки, в этот момент замолчали — ни для кого там это не было такой потерей, как для меня. Я даже поплакала.

Я искала людей, с которыми могла бы это обсудить, но сталкивалась с тем, что большинству было похер. Они говорили: «Да че, сам умер». А я считала, что это доведение человека до смерти. У меня внутри было ощущение, что не хватает какой-то информации. Я начала больше и больше в эту повестку погружаться. И все говорило о том, что я права: это действительно с человеком несправедливо поступили, это можно считать убийством.

После смерти Навального я стала больше обращаться к СМИ, потому что вела баталии со своими внутренними демонами. Это для меня стало точкой невозврата — когда я уже не могу отмалчиваться. Я как будто бы даже против себя преступление совершаю, если притворяюсь, словно всего происходящего не существует. Я не понимала, почему у меня нет слов, которые описывают то, что со мной происходит. Соответственно, у меня были какие-то внутренние баталии, которые я назвала «баталии с внутренними демонами». И мне важно было им дать отпор.

Я имею в виду, что я же понимаю, что, когда я как будто бы об этом не думаю, закрываю глаза на очевидные вещи, я отмалчиваюсь перед собой. После смерти Навального осталось ощущение, что я слишком на многие вещи закрывала глаза. А сейчас делать это уже не имеет смысла и я не могу себе этого позволить, потому что если я продолжу это делать, то я в какой-то степени предам себя. И как будто соглашусь хотя бы чуть-чуть внутри себя с той реальностью, в которую нас погружает российская власть.

До этого момента был авторитет, который был не согласен за меня. А тут я уже должна сама, потому что этого авторитета больше нет.

Я стала смотреть Ходорковского, «Навальный Live», продолжила читать Петрову. Я обожаю Екатерину Шульман . И еще часто смотрю интервью с Шендеровичем: он правильные вещи говорит. Мне очень жаль, что этим и многим другим людям присвоили статус «иностранных агентов», потому что это портит их качество жизни: люди делают правое дело, а от них рекламодатели отказываются, потому что боятся. На той работе с сумасшедшей начальницей был случай, когда девочку уволили за лайк «иностранному агенту». Это был единственный случай, когда я видела человека, который плохо воспринимает «иноагентов».

На того же Ходорковского, которого я раньше вообще не знала, я вышла, когда стала изучать этот вопрос с разных сторон: по каким причинам умер Навальный, например. Я хотела, чтобы у меня была позиция: не так, что я что-то где-то слышала и поверхностно ее сформировала, а, напротив, основательно. Я хотела понимать, о чем я говорю. Я начала много смотреть «Дождь», где-то на третьем интервью пришла к Ходорковскому и сразу в него влюбилась. Я бы голосовала за него на президентских выборах, если бы были. Вообще за любого человека, кроме Путина, я бы голосовала.

Охренела от стены омоновцев

Когда говорят, что россияне выбрали Путина — это такой пиздеж. Я бы сказала, пиздеж века. Как будто у нас в России демократия, я ебала. Меня каждый раз это напрягает. Я в шоке с мнения, что у россиян есть выбор — его нет уже очень давно.

Мне 24 года, скоро будет 25. На моей памяти президент менялся только один раз на Дмитрия Медведева. Извините, у нас вся верхушка — единороссы, которые подчиняются напрямую Владимиру Владимировичу, все эти партии — одна через одну подчиняются ему же. Нет каких-то альтернатив. Все просто в этой пирамиде находятся и от одной верхушки кормятся.

У человека в России действительно есть выбор, один: если ты медийная персона и у тебя есть возможность — съебаться и никогда не возвращаться. Вот этот выбор присутствует, но выбор власти… Ну, это реально смешно.

У меня два раза в жизни были выборы президента. Я всегда голосовала против с 18 лет. На протестные акции я не ходила — я была слишком юна. Когда Навальный устраивал акции протеста в моем городе, мне повезло оказаться в центре и я на самом деле капец как испугалась, когда увидела ряды омоновцев, которые окружили эту территорию полностью. Один из них мне сказал: «Если ты хочешь быть здоровой, иди по другой дороге» — и показал по какой.

От протестов у меня возникло ощущение, что это что-то опасное, для чего нужно определенное геройство. Люди, которые на это идут, большие молодцы, но, блядь, у меня кишка тонка на такое пойти. Я мелкая вообще охренела от этой стены омоновцев. У меня и позиции тогда своей не было. Я уже читала, конечно, блогерку Сашу Митрошину, я понимала, что она правильные вещи говорит, но при этом я знала только одно: туда лучше не лезть.

Я понимаю, что делать что-то нужно будет. Возможно, нас коснутся репарации. Но мне кажется, что моя реакция и реакция общества будет зависеть от того, в каком контексте это будет. Если бы сменилось правительство и мы бы приняли решение выплачивать репарации, я была бы только за, была бы первой, кто деньги понес, потому что это справедливо. А если это в парадигме «Вы проиграли — платите», тогда только чувство вины усугубится, и вообще ресурса у людей не будет это платить, будет одно недовольство. А пока ресурс у людей есть. И если это все сейчас пресечется, то многие на эти репарации согласятся активно, потому что не будут в безвыходном положении. В противном же случае у меня будет ощущение, что я и так не была виновата, а меня еще и принуждают платить и во всем винят.

В моем понимании, должна смениться власть и люди, которые потворствовали этой войне — та же Маргарита Симоньян, — должны быть наказаны. Я хотела бы, чтобы в общество вернулись адекватные ориентиры. Я думаю, что многие люди — как хамелеоны. Вернутся в общество нормальные ориентиры — и они будут говорить иначе.