Save yourself from a stalker

If a woman is haunted by an ex -husband or stranger from social networks, the law will not help her. The affected people have to solve the problem on their own. How do they do it?

If a person has a pursuer who watches him on social networks, sends frightening messages, guarding near the house or pestering on the street, life can turn into a nightmare. There is practically nowhere to turn for help - in Russia there is no law that protects against stalking, and the police often ignore the messages of the victims. Such stories often lead to attacks and murders. How does stalking begin, how are they saved from it and what happens in the head of the pursuers?

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The names of the heroes are changed at their request.

Relations against the will

Anastasia says: in the summer of 2021, when she was 18 years old, she lived in Yoshkar-Ola and got a job in a tea room. She made friends with some guests, their company formed. One of the new friends called Ayrat, he often went to a cafe to work.

The summer is over, many went to study, and in the tea room there were fewer visitors. But Ayrat continued to appear, and Anastasia spent more and more time with him. Soon they had already seen each other every day.

She recalls: once in the correspondence Ayrat called them a couple. Anastasia says that this was angry: “How can we meet if this was not voiced? Yes, I was friendly to him, we talked quite closely, but we were not a couple. I said that I do not want a relationship with him. "

In her opinion, he could not come to terms with the refusal. Therefore, he began to constantly write to her and repeat that they should be together. Often he was waiting for her near the house, and if relatives of Anastasia passed by, he asked them to “take” her to the street.

Stalking is an obsessive and frightening attention, which is accompanied by persecution and often threats. Often, Stalking begins unnoticed, says the clinical and family psychologist Olga Bochkova. He can even read as a manifestation of love.

“For example, a person was not asked about this, but he meets, calls a lot, anticipates some thoughts and needs of another,” Bochkova explains. -If this happens during the candy-bunch period of the relationship, it may seem that everything is perfect. But when a person does not face the reaction that he expected, he reacts negatively. For example, the guy came to the girl without warning, and she says that she has other things. He may begin to blame her or somehow manifest aggression. ” Then it can go on an increase in growing, says the psychologist.

If a person believes that he is in a relationship with someone, although there was no conversation about this, this is all the more a reason to do not care, Bochkova explains. Such behavior may indicate that a person does not accept feedback. The object of "love" for him is not an independent person.

Ayrat could come to tea and sit there for hours. Anastasia says she was afraid to go on shifts, especially when there were no other visitors in the cafe. Several times it seemed to her that Ayrat was in an insane state. “Almost with tears in his eyes, he tried to hug me, touch me,” she recalls. - My hysteria began, he was disgusted to me. I did not know how to explain to him that I could not force myself to love him. ”

Sometimes other guests intervened, and once the owner of the cafe himself asked Ayrat to leave. According to Anastasia, at such moments she was ashamed that her personal problems caused others inconvenience.

She recalls how at the end of December she came to work on her birthday. Friends brought to tea gifts, she treated everyone with a cake. Suddenly Ayrat appeared: he stood on one knee, took out a ring in a velvet box and, with all, made Anastasia an offer.

“I was just petrified,” she says. - I stood and thought I would do. Ayrat was convinced: when women say “no”, it means “yes”. He perceived all my refusals as consent. I was very scared. "

She still decided to refuse him. Ayrat left, but the persecution did not stop. When he once again arrived in tea and began to pester Anastasia, she recorded the video and sent it to the chat with friends. Then they decided to intercede for her.

Alexey, a friend of Anastasia, recalls: “We agreed to meet with Ayrat, bought a bottle of wine. He called us to his home and almost immediately spoke about Nastya. I tried to explain to him that she was scared. He asked what he would have done in her place. He replied that he wanted to be with her. Then I began to say that Nastya worthy of more. Of course, I did not do very well, but he was behind. "

The Violence.no Foundation explains: if you are pursued, it is really important to enlist the support of acquaintances. For example, ask you to be accompanied by when you go somewhere. But you need to remember: it may be dangerous for someone who helps you.

It is not worth showing aggression for a stalker. But if the pursuer sees that for the victim there is someone to intercede, this can help. Ideally, it should not be defended in such a situation, but the police. But in practice this often does not work. In Russia there is no special law that protects against Stalking, and the appeals of the victims are often ignored.

Anastasia confirms - Ayrat did not appear in her life anymore. Later, she heard from his acquaintances that he was in a psychiatric hospital, but she did not know details.

After this story, she herself was afraid to build relationships with men for some time. But otherwise, according to Anastasia, she did not notice serious consequences.

During a conversation with a “scythe”, she repeated several times that she feels guilty - Anastasia seems to be provoked by persecution. “I agreed to have lunch with him, go beyond the tea, go to the cinema. He was even visiting him, ”she says.

The Spit tried to contact Ayrat. He said that he was very busy and did not want to communicate with reporters.

In the commentary “Kos”, the Violence.net Foundation emphasizes: Stalking is a form of violence, and the one who performs it is always to blame. But the victims are often blamed for the fact that they “incorrectly” themselves “provoked” the aggressor. This can only worsen their condition.

All -in -one

27-year-old Maria from Moscow says: a few years ago she met with a young man named Pavel. They lived together for three years and were going to get married. But gradually, Maria began to realize that their relationship was “heavy and abusive”.

“Pasha had pathological jealousy,” she says. - He tried to control my every step, even ordered a taxi to my work. Offended if I was delayed. He manipulated, accused of something, arranged scandals from scratch. ”

According to Maria, she invited Paul to part, but he did not agree and began to behave even more aggressively: he could give a slap in the face or push it. Such behavior scared her, and she turned to a psychologist.

“Working with a specialist, I realized that the problem is not in me,” Maria recalls. - That these relations destroy me. By the way, Pasha was against my therapy and constantly interrogated what the psychologist says. ”

Soon, she already firmly decided to terminate the relationship and moved to live with her friend. And then Paul began to pursue her. This is how he himself tells about it:

“I have not seen anything wrong with standing near her girlfriend's house. True, he did this only a few times - for me every trip there was torture. But I really wanted her, sought to return. I was looking for a meeting with my bride, with a man who swore to me many times. I wanted to understand what happened, to talk peacefully. ”

Paul adds that earlier he had more than once managed to resolve conflicts with Maria “thanks to perseverance”, and he hoped that now it would also work.

Psychologist Olga Bochkova explains: a person who is engaged in Stalking tries not to build a relationship, but to establish power. Usually it all starts with the fact that he is not ready to accept the personal boundaries of a partner or lover. “Gradually, love and care is becoming less and less,” the psychologist says. “Strengthening control begins, any will is suppressed, especially when trying to part.”

According to Paul, he even went to Mary's parents in another city to talk. They did not communicate - they only got angry.

“I consciously went to the risk, because life without Mass lost the price for me,” he says. - I’m used to doing almost everything with her: eat, sleep, work. I merged with Masha and could not imagine how I would live without her. ”

According to Maria, what was happening greatly scared her. “At some point, I realized that this is not just a desire to talk to me, but a persecution,” she recalls. - I repeated that I do not like him, I do not want to see. When he came, she pretended that I was not at home, turned off the light and sat like a mouse. ”

At the same time, Paul believes that Mary liked the persecution. He says that in a relationship they practiced BDSM and she “really, really liked” when he “showed violence in sex”. In his opinion, this means that Stalking in real life should have excited it.

Maria herself, however, says that she never liked BDSM and she practiced him, only to “make it nice” to Pavel.

The director of the Sisters Center Nadezhda Skutaeva explains that the pursuers often transfer responsibility to the victims, manipulating intimate details. Psychologist Olga Bochkova adds: it does not matter which sexual practices like or do not like a person. This cannot justify violence and persecution. In any sexual practice - including in the BDSM - everything should occur by mutual agreement. Stalking and aggression outside the sexual game with pre -agreed rules - this is violence.

Maria says that Pavel not only came to her home, but also watched her life online. Shortly after parting, she noticed that someone went on her social networks and messengers from another device.

“It was definitely Pasha,” she says. - In the applications, a model of the phone from which the entrance was made was visible. It was my old phone, which I left with him. I did not immediately notice what was happening, and he read all my correspondence for several months. ”

Paul admits: he really entered Maria's accounts, because he wanted to know where she is and what is happening to her. "

Experts advise : in order to reduce the risks of online sites, it is better not to upload photos and videos by which you can determine where you are. It is also worth checking your social networks and profiles in different services and make sure that there is no information that can be used to find you. It is important to protect your devices and accounts: create complex passwords and install two -factor authentication. You should also warn relatives and friends so that they are not shared in social networks of unnecessary personal information.

Maria blocked Paul in all messengers, but he created new accounts and continued to write to her. He himself said that he did not believe that his girlfriend had seriously left him. “It was necessary to support the game: it runs from me, and I'm trying to catch up with it,” says Pavel.

Nevertheless, after the months of persecution, he “realized that attempts are meaningless,” and stopped following Maria. To stop constantly thinking about her, he turned to a psychologist.

Now - a few years later - Pavel is sure: Maria broke up with him, because she has psychological problems. She "did not survive the separation from her parents," and therefore tend to escape from the relationship. He adds: in his opinion, "Masha enjoys the role of the victim."

Maria herself says that after the persecution she could not recover for a long time. “Probably a year I felt depressed,” she recalls. - Like a beast driven into a corner. Gradually it became easier, but it was difficult to get rid of fear. ”

No one will believe

Not only an adult, but also a child can suffer from Stalking. 22-year-old Alina from Nizhny Novgorod says that in elementary school her classmate Daniil began to constantly follow her and pester her.

“When I went to the toilet, he was waiting for me outside,” she recalls. Could touch the ass. Because of this, we were teased, and I could not communicate normally with other children. ”

She remembered how once on the extension she saw Daniel from afar and tried to hide in the toilet. But he noticed her and, as usual, began to vibrate near the door. According to Alina, she had already learned to determine his steps by ear and knew for sure that he was there.

Without waiting for Daniel to leave, Alina went out into the corridor. “He immediately clamped me, began to hug and kiss me,” she says. - I blurted out and screamed, and two boys who passed by, began to laugh and take us to the phone. As a result, I was able to hit Daniel between my legs and ran away. ”

She recalls that at that time she did not say anything to her parents-she thought if someone learns about what was happening, they would only laugh at her. She was never explained to her what harassment is, and she did not understand what exactly was happening to her. It seemed to her that "violence is when an adult uncle attacks the gateway."

Anna Bogomolova, a specialist from the Sisters Center, explains: it is important to talk with the child about what sex, violence and personal boundaries are. So that he understands that strangers cannot touch him. It is important to create an accepting atmosphere in order to discuss such topics was normal and the child could share his problems, and not be ashamed to ask for help.

According to Alina, the next day in the class Daniil again approached her. She was frightened and pushed him away, then he hit her strongly - so that she stuck against the wall, lost consciousness and fell.

“When I came to my senses, I began to suffocate and cry in pain,” she says. - It turned out that I have a spinal injury. The school administration convinced my mother not to contact the police. Many believed that I myself was to blame because the first pushed Daniel. "

According to Alina, she spent four months on sick leave, and then went to the corset for some time. When she began to go to school again, the teachers forced them to apologize to each other with Daniel.

All experts with whom the “braid” talked is sure that if the child is subjected to persecution and violence, adults should intervene and understand the situation. The child often cannot realize what is happening to him. Tatyana Belova, lawyer of the consortium of female non -governmental organizations, adds: “The more children, the more they absorb from the outside world. If they show aggression and violence, and even in such an open form, many questions arise for adults who surround and raise them. ”

Alina says: in the fifth grade, Daniel began to “see” her home. She tried to talk about this with her parents, but they said that there was no problem - a classmate just lives in a neighboring building, so she walks the same road.

True, when they made repairs in the apartment, Alina moved to her grandmother and began to walk along a different route - and even then Daniel, according to her, continued to follow her.

At the school, his harassment became more and more frightening. “He could press me, slaughter me,” Alina recalls. - Come from behind and touch the chest. Once he said: "I will rape you, dissected, and I will send my head to your mother by mail." I was then 11 years old, and he was 12. "

According to her, the teachers did not even try to conduct a conversation with Daniel - he had a reputation as a bully, and his behavior did not surprise anyone. But she was made comments. “Everyone said that I provoke him because I’m running away, and he is supposedly a hunter who needs prey,” says Alina.

She recalls how, in the sixth grade, she had taken time from the lesson to the toilet. Daniel stepped after, caught up with her on the stairs, pressed her to the railing and began to spit on her face and unfasten the shirt. “I tried to push him away, but said that he would throw me down if I resist,” she recalls. - I believed and shut up. He let me go when he heard someone's steps. I did not tell anyone about this - I was afraid of condemnation. But this began to happen regularly. ”

Anna Bogomolova, a specialist from the Sisters Center, explains: the manifestation of sexualized violence by the child may mean that he himself survived this or became a witness to violence. Most likely, he needs help, especially from significant adults.

She adds: a child who shows aggression may not understand the consequences of his actions. Especially if he was subjected to violence. Then he can assume that such actions are normal. The main responsibility here is on adults.

Alina says: once she was one dressed up in a physical fitting locker room and heard familiar steps. She wanted to get dressed quickly and leave, but did not have time. “When I put on a blouse, Daniel came up and pulled for it,” she recalls. - I was released and ran to the gym in a bra and tights. It was empty there too. He caught up with me, fell on sports mats, began to beat. I turned out, climbed onto the Swedish wall, and he began to grab my legs. It was hard to sit for a long time, I had to get off. I poorly remember how exactly this happened, but he took off my tights and inserted his fingers into the vagina. ”

Alina says that she could still break out and run away. She spent the next lesson in the toilet, trying to wipe all the places where Daniel touched her with napkins. On the same day, he again approached her and whispered in his ear: "At 15:00 at school." Then she ran home.

В средней школе ситуация изменилась. Алина вспоминает, что у нее появилась новая «забивная» подруга, которая провожала ее до дома, а если Даниил приставал, кричала на него, иногда даже дралась. Постепенно он перестал их донимать. Позже класс разделили по профилям, и они почти перестали видеться с Даниилом.

Правда, однажды все же снова появился в жизни Алины. Она рассказывает, что в тот день была в спортзале вместе с одноклассницей. «Он пришел и начал приставать к той девочке. Я решила уйти, но потом поняла, что не могу оставить ее с ним наедине, и вернулась. Он к тому моменту уже тащил ее в раздевалку за волосы. Не знаю, что на меня нашло, но я взяла его за шкирку и несколько раз ударила каблуком в пах».

Учителя, узнав о произошедшем, стали ругать Алину. «На меня кричали и пугали, что из-за меня он не сможет иметь детей, — говорит она. — Я себя сильно винила, думала, что навредила человеку».

По словам Алины, через три месяца в школе появился слух, будто Даниила поставили на учет, потому что он якобы изнасиловал четвероклассницу. Ей показалось, что в этом есть ее вина, потому что она не смогла объяснить взрослым, какую опасность он представлял.

На нее сильно повлиял этот опыт. Алина рассказывает, что некоторое время страдала от обсессивно-компульсивного расстройства. Она могла мыться много раз в день, думая, что «смывает энергетическую грязь». Однажды так перегрелась в душе, что упала в обморок. Чтобы справиться с травмой, она обратилась в центр «Сестры» и работала с психологом.

Теперь она уже не винит себя в произошедшем и знает: с ней произошло сексуализированное насилие, а виноват в таких случаях только агрессор.

Хоть со временем ей и стало лучше, домой она до сих пор ходит разными дорогами — так спокойнее.

У сталкинга могут быть очень серьезные последствия, даже если физического насилия не было. Подобные события на всех влияют по-разному, говорит психолог Ольга Бочкова. Часто у пострадавших появляется неуверенность в себе, выученная беспомощность. Возможны тревожные расстройства, панические атаки, трудности с доверием и построением отношений.

Все эксперты, с которыми говорила «Коса», сходятся в том, что от сталкинга никто не защищен. Чтобы чувствовать себя увереннее, можно пройти курсы самообороны, предпринять меры безопасности в соцсетях. С преследователям не стоит оставаться в замкнутом пространстве. Также можно пригрозить полицией — ведь не все знают, что за сталкинг нет уголовной статьи.

Но ни один из этих методов не гарантирует безопасности. Агрессор может преследовать пострадавшую годами — и часто с этим ничего не получается сделать.

Экспертка Консорциума женских НПО Софья Русова объясняет: в России преследования не контролируются законом, а понятия «сталкинг» даже нет в законодательстве. «Когда женщины обращаются в полицию, им часто говорят, что ничем нельзя помочь. Если не было нанесено физического вреда, значит, и правонарушения не было», — говорит она.

Можно попробовать привлечь человека по статье за сбор и распространение информации о частной жизни, добавляет Русова. Например, были случаи, когда агрессор выкладывал в интернет интимные фотографии потерпевшей, и тогда ему выносили приговор.

Эксперты считают, что если бы в России появился закон о сталкинге, он бы многое изменил, показал бы серьезность проблемы. В глазах общественности преследования перестали бы быть нормой.

Экспертка Консорциума женских НПО Софья Русова говорит, что во многих странах такая практика есть. Например, в Испании за сталкинг человеку может грозить уголовная ответственность. Преследователя могут оштрафовать и лишить свободы на срок до двух лет (а при отягчающих обстоятельствах — на большие сроки).

Если вы или ваши близкие пострадали от сталкинга или других видов насилия, лучше всего обратиться за поддержкой к квалифицированным специалистам или в некоммерческие организации, которые работают с этой проблемой. Среди них центры « Насилию.нет », « Сестры », « НеТерпи », « ТыНеОдна », « Китеж » и другие.

Автор: Алена Кордюкова
Иллюстрации: Midjourney