Cinema-6. Lars von Trier: life and destiny

(timed to coincide with the Moscow premiere of Lars von Trier's latest film "Dancer in the Dark" )
NB: Anonymous text found online and translated. The editors of the journal and translators are not responsible for the content.

year 2001. To everyone's surprise, Dancer in the Dark received 26 Oscar nominations (a record). However, the film only received a single award for Best Sound Effects Editing. Von Trier, contrary to expectations, agreed to fly to Hollywood, but turned the plane over the Atlantic. They say that he was still seen in the Oscars hall (in a lighting technician's overalls).

2002 Cannes. Von Trier presents his long-awaited porn film with the simple title “X” in the parallel competition “Hot d▓ or” . The main actors are Udo Kier, Jean Marc Barr, the director himself and Sophia Loren. The film was shot in accordance with the rules of "Dogma" on video. The screen is dark, the sound is indistinct, it is difficult to determine what is happening... The audience, dissatisfied with the quality of the image, whistles. Trier receives no reward.

At the same time, under other names (Fu Lin Yan and Mohamed Mahmaltami, China-Iran co-production), Lars performs out of competition at the Cannes Film Festival, opening it with the science fiction film "UFO". The episodic roles are played by Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny, and the main roles are played by little-known and unprofessional performers of unknown nationality. As the film progresses, the Earth is destroyed, and with it agents Scully and Mulder. The rest of the action takes place on the flying saucer on the way back - the characters, without the slightest makeup, sort things out, without a single word. The music for the film was written by Michael Nyman and Jean-Michel Jarre. Already half an hour after the start of the film, spectators begin to leave the hall; subsequently, China and Iran withdraw their films from the festival as a sign of protest, and mainly Hungarian, Yugoslav and Brazilian films remain in the competition. As a result, the jury, headed by Franus Ozon , awarded the main awards to Pavel Lungin's film "Wedding 2".

2003 Lars von Trier, having been found through the fictitious producers of the film “UFO,” which was never released in wide release, is invited to work in Hollywood. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg call Trier for Star Wars 3. Von Trier agrees, but on one condition: the film will be shot in Danish.

2005 - until this time nothing was heard about von Trier, except that he was editing the footage and living in Las Vegas. There are rumors in the press about the filming of Star Wars 3 in Greenland - in particular, about George Lucas, who stepped away from filming, shaved his head and face and retired to a little-known monastery. The film is released in December (around Christmas). It turns out that this is actually a continuation of the Indiana Jones trilogy: “Coral Reef and Undersea Treasures” (not in Danish at all, but in pure English). The film is declared the most disastrous in the history of Hollywood, although the budget is kept secret. Crowds of spectators take their places in lines at the box office early in the night to return tickets.

The leading role in the film starred a significantly rejuvenated Harrison Ford - it later turns out that he signed the contract without reading the script, and after reading it he refused to film, and the main character of the film was recreated using a computer. However, the sharks, rays and sea octopuses, as well as schools of moray eels, filmed in the films are genuine, according to an official statement from the company Dream Works - Centropa Entertainment . Throughout the film, Indiana tries unsuccessfully to fight sea monsters with scuba gear. As a result, he runs out of air in his scuba gear and dies in terrible agony. Only his young assistant manages to survive, who will later become better known under the name Jacques Yves Cousteau. "Coral Reef" is being criticized by critics in America and Europe. However, a little later, despite the complete lack of nominations, the film receives an Oscar for best film.

2007 - on the CNN channel (at night sessions, as part of the Larry King broadcast ), for the first time in the history of the television company, a feature film is released - Lars von Trier's new soap opera "Ambulance in the Kingdom", entirely in Swedish. The Americans, however, are sure that it is Danish. The main roles in the series were played by George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino . The hype surrounding the film, which is not dubbed into English or provided with subtitles, is forcing viewers to learn Danish. Of course, they still don’t understand what’s happening on the screen, which is why popularity ratings are rapidly creeping up, breaking all previous records. CNN begins showing the series non-stop, eliminating news and advertising.

2008 - Lars von Trier leaves the United States, citing homesickness. "Emergency in the Kingdom" is shown for the tenth time in a row, which viewers do not notice. Meanwhile, a new joint film by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, who has returned from the monastery, “Guest from the Future”, based on the script by Igor Mozheiko , is being released on American screens (budget - one billion US dollars, box office - two billion). The film was shot in Danish. Following Spielberg and Lucas, Paul Verhoeven, James Cameron, Mel Gibson, Danny DeVito and Clint Eastwood are making their films in Danish. The Coen brothers are releasing another black comedy starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in Swedish as a sign of protest. David Lynch is launching a new multi-part television project - black and white and silent.

2009 - Lars von Trier freely translates Shakespeare's Hamlet into Danish and films it. Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Cruise are invited to play the roles of Hamlet and the Ghost of Hamlet's Father, respectively. Britney Spears stars as Ophelia. The film was completed in record time (five weeks), but at the request of the author of the soundtrack - Britney herself - the soundtrack had to be rewritten. The film is ordered by the Venice, Berlin and Cannes Festivals. Von Trier refuses. Unexpectedly, the premiere of “Hamlet” takes place at the “Window to Europe” festival in Vyborg. As it turns out later, Lars set a condition - no more competition or out-of-competition films should be shown at the festival. After this, the festival in Vyborg receives category "A".

However, “Hamlet” was not awarded a single award due to the fundamental disagreement of the jury president, Lenny Riefenstahl. In particular, she did not like the ending, which she did not see at all due to poor eyesight and hearing. Actually, no one saw it, since the film was deliberately recorded on sympathetic film, and the image disappeared from the screen as it was viewed.

2010 - von Trier meets with Bill Gates in Malta, negotiations take place in an atmosphere of heightened secrecy. The most fantastic guesses are expressed in the press. Lars appears less and less in public; he has dyed his hair red and grown a long mustache.

2012 - launch of a new interactive project based on gospel motives. Von Trier created a computer program with which, on a free Internet site at www.god.com, it was possible to artificially model the main actors (Jesus, Magdalene, Pilate, Judas) in three-dimensional images, and then mount from four proposed options ( www .god.com/matfey , www.god.com/luka , www.god.com/john , www.god.com/mark ) yours. As you might expect, on the day the site opens, too many users visit it at the same time, and it collapses on its own. Bill Gates is accused of fraud and laundering dirty Danish money.

2015 - Lars von Trier decides to travel around the world. This becomes an international sensation, because the director is known to have a phobia of moving in a confined space. Showing no signs of said phobia, von Trier begins his tour, the slightest detail of which is covered in all the newspapers on the front pages. One fine day in Yokohama, von Trier goes for a walk through Chinatown and disappears. No one has seen him since then.

2016 - Cannes Film Festival dedicated to the memory of Lars von Trier, officially declared dead. The president of the jury is Björk . The main prize goes to a documentary film dedicated to the last journey of the great Danish director, shot by Takeshi Kitano on the instructions of the paralyzed Nagisa Oshima .

2024 - Seventy-seventh Cannes Film Festival. Screening of the film "Dimensions" shot by von Trier from 1991 to 2015. Guests of honor are fighting for the right to attend the premiere screening. In the chaos, a fire breaks out and the Lumière hall burns down along with the audience and the only copy of the film. The Organizing Committee officially and solemnly announces the closure of the Cannes Film Festival once and for all. "Seventy-seven is a lucky number!" - says Gilles Jacob .

Translation: Anton Dolin, Ekaterina Mitkina, Ilya Arkhipov