I don't have enough emotional swing

We tell you how to build a new relationship after the abusive

“Cold” talked with the clinical psychologist Dmitry Smokin and learned how to recover after an emotionally unhealthy relationship, why it is bored in healthy ones and how to understand whether we are ready to fall in love again.

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Dmitry Smomkin. Clinical psychologist Mental Health Center

An unhealthy relationship can be considered emotionally unstable romantic relations with physical or psychological violence , control, manipulations or other destructive behavior. Often partners in such relationships feel dependence, pain, fear, discontent, guilt and helplessness. They have good periods when people find a common language and care about each other, but after the inevitably returns an unhealthy attitude towards each other and negative emotions. People often come out of such relationships with psychological damage (stress, anxiety , distrust, fear of intimacy or openness ).

Emotional violence is when a person is deceived, shouting at him, manipulating, applying hypercontrol or humiliation. It can be “harmless” remarks about appearance or behavior, comparison with other people with an accent that they look more attractive or better behave. Often in unhealthy relations, partners shift the responsibility or guilt to each other. So, a person can convince another that all problems in relations occur only through the fault of a partner. Often, emotional violence is accompanied by control, for example, a partner can try to isolate a person from his friends and family, put the choice of “I or Friends”, try to convince that his environment does not affect him or their relationship. The negative experience acquired in such relationships leads to the fact that a person has reduced self -esteem, problems with trust, as well as anxiety, stress, suspicion.

Everything that violates human inviolability, harms health, refers to physical violence or hurts: for example, one of the partners threatens the life and safety of the other, forcibly tends to intimacy, limits freedom or trying to physically hold a partner. After such traumatic relations, people often experience a lot of anxiety, fear of opening to a new person and avoid proximity.

Healthy relationships are emotionally stable, in which both partners feel joy, calm, respect, support and comfort. In healthy relations, partners accept each other's shortcomings, are ready for compromises and discussions, and there are no humiliation and violence.

In a healthy relationship, balanced periods with lungs prevail emotional upsurges and downs, when, for example, we feel joy or light melancholy. Frequent emotional fluctuations and too intense feelings indicate that the relationship is unstable and can harm us.

How to recover after parting?

Most often, after leaving the unhealthy relations, a person needs time to cope with the emotional consequences of the gap and build a new routine. There is no exact term - everything is individual and depends on how long and emotionally intense relations were, whether they had support and care.

An unhealthy relationship often ends with psychological or even physical overwork. This is what can help come to his senses:

• Do not suppress emotions. To enter into a new relationship or hit the work to drown out experiences is not a good idea. It is best to give yourself time to live all emotions, even those that seem negative.
• Turn to the psychologist. With it you can discuss your experience and experiences, it is better to understand them and learn to cope with them.
• Reduce anxiety. For example, you can do meditation, yoga or your favorite hobby. If there is no hobby, it's time to try something new.
• Determine your boundaries and values ​​so as not to enter into the unsuitable relationship in the future. For example, borders include: do not tolerate violence and humiliation, not to do something against the will. Values ​​are individual - freedom and independence, love for the world and loved ones, fidelity, tolerance, self -development. You can write them in a diary or notes.
• To think over your criteria for healthy relationships. For example, they should have mutual respect and trust, calmness, honesty, respect for personal time and space. You can also prescribe what qualities your partner is important to you.
• To do what has long been put off. It can be useful to redirect your attention to personal interests or self -development (reading, lectures, drawing, films).
• Go in for sports. It improves mood, reduces stress and positively affects the psychological state. And sports achievements can increase self -esteem and distract from experiences.

I am bored in a new relationship. This is fine?

In relations, as in life, we are bored for various reasons. Of course, it may be that you are bored with a new partner simply because you do not suit each other and you are bored together. But it happens that we just want drama, unrest and intense emotions. In this case, stable relations do not correspond to our needs or expectations. Perhaps you should figure out what and why you are attracted to unhealthy relationships, ideally - along with a psychologist. This may be due to traumatic experience in the past, your type of attachment, fears, self -esteem, children's injuries.

Perhaps stability in relationships does not coincide with our ideas about love. For example, we can idealize dramatic relations under the influence of culture (romantic films, series and books) or perceive them as a norm because of relations in a parental family (detached, impulsive or controlling parents).

You could get used to emotional swings and conflicts in past relationships. Then the new ones are doubtful and boredom due to the fact that calm and lack of conflicts are unusual for you. It may even seem to you that this is not true love, since there is no “spark”.

But sometimes there are simply few impressions or general activity in a relationship. And although healthy relationships are more calm and stable, this does not mean that people are doomed to spend time monotonously. It is important to openly talk about this with a partner and offer to diversify the routine: make surprises, symbolic gifts, arrange dates or do something together. You can organize a trip to another city or to nature, have dinner in a restaurant or arrange a picnic, start learning a language or playing a musical instrument together.

How to understand that I am ready to build a healthy relationship?

It happens at all just to understand whether we are ready for a new relationship, especially after traumatic experience.

At first it is important to understand what motivation you have, positive or negative. Try to answer the questions why you want to enter into a relationship, what needs and desires you have now. If you feel lonely, you are bored, you want strong emotions or try to forget the previous partner - motivation is considered negative, and, most likely, new relationships will not bring you joy. Motivation is considered positive if you want to create a happy relationship based on mutual trust and respect, develop with a partner, find compromises, take care and delight each other.

It is equally important to honestly answer yourself whether you have a psychological resource to the development of new relations. Ask yourself if you want to open up to a new person, are you ready to talk and discuss needs, provide support and take care, whether you want emotional and physical proximity.

An important factor is also how we react to the “red flags”. These are signals that warn us about possible problems and conflicts. They all have their own and depend on values. It can be aggression, conflict, hypercontrol, non -compliance with promises, non -poetry, unscrupulousness, hyperemotionalism, or, conversely, lack of emotions, dislike of animals or children, and non -bribe. Our reaction to them determines whether we are ready for relations with this person or we should look for a more suitable partner.

If we notice them, but stubbornly ignore them - this suggests that we are not ready for a new relationship, because we make a choice in favor of what can harm us.

The way we relate to ourselves also determines our readiness for new relationships. When we care about our psychological and physical health, we strive for positive emotions, are open to the new one - most likely, we are ready for positive experience in relations with another person. However, sometimes we have a difficult period in life, when we feel melancholy, irritation, discontent, avoid communication or proximity, we constantly think about a former partner or past. Then it is better to first pay time and attention to your emotional well -being (to contact a psychologist, to correct what does not suit you in life, to establish social ties, to fill your life with impressions, to add physical activity or hobbies).

Sometimes it may seem that you will never experience such strong feelings as with a former partner. Try to accept the idea that these fears may be true. However, you need to try not to include yourself in the framework of the past and not to look for a repetition of experience, but to be prepared and open to the new. Remember that you are worthy of a relationship in which you are loved, respected and care about you.