Date

Author

Филипп Смирнов

Source

Doxa

Preserved copy

Internet Archive

Translated material

"We stay here"

Monologists of LGBTIC-LUBS about life in today's Russia

On January 25, 2024, Doxa was recognized as an “unwanted organization”.

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Since the beginning of the full -scale invasion of Russia, many Russians have left the borders of their country into the territory of Ukraine. The war was especially reflected in the LGBTC-Luda: there was a probability of tightening the punishment for the “gay propaganda”, the homophobic rhetoric of the media and repression against the Quir-lawyers_tsy intensified. But the privilege of leaving the country is not available to everyone, and many LGBTIC-cities remain in Russia no matter what. DOXA talked with LGBTC-loves about life in Russia, as well as how to find forces on activism and how to support myself during the war.

Nika, 37 years old, trans-nebinar person, she/her. Bashkortostan

On the first day when Russia's full -scale invasion of Russia began, I organized a picket and a procession with anti -war posters. And organized them a couple of the next weeks until they swept me. I just could not sit still and inactive. As a result, I was detained, and not on the square where we were going to go, but in a relatively secret place where we and other activist and I agreed to meet. They twisted hard, additionally sewed "disobedience during detention." There were four ships: one by disobedience (after which I was closed for a day) and three - in pickets.

I was ready to fight and continue protests; If you have to sit for them. But there were circumstances because I needed to either “behave peacefully” on ships, or lose the opportunity to provide a family. I got off with minimal fines.

Thoughts about to leave, appeared repeatedly. But there are several reasons to stay. Firstly, there are no places where my family and I can go so that we do not have to get to our feet long and painfully. Here, work, and activism, and a bunch of other elements of our activities. Secondly, there are still many most important people for me, as well as almost all relatives. Thirdly, I see my future only in activism, and I have not yet groped out how to embed my activism in other states: there are completely different realities that do not require my topics. And from abroad to write and shoot something for the inhabitants of the Russian Federation, I see me not very honest and very uncomfortable.

And there is another sad point: now I am very very heartily due to burnout and mental disorders. Sometimes I can’t but just lie on the bed. And so take it, take off and move somewhere-it is seen as an illegal and very frightening task.

Many acquaintances left the country, including two friends dear to me. I envy their lightness a little on the rise and fearlessness before new places. But I am sincerely glad for those who left, I think that many of them acted correctly. Caring for yourself and ensuring your safety is important. It’s just not very pleasant when they advise you to get it as soon as possible or teach how to live.

Such advice was given several times, but I prefer not to enter into conflicts or discussions about this. I just understand that we have different conditions of existence, different ways of thought, different airbags and so on.

The forces to stay, first of all, gives communication with wonderful friends, including activists in activism, and joint projects with them. And, perhaps, the fact that the daughter is pretty happy in her life and in her company, which I absolutely do not want to take away.

In Russia, living conditions have worsened for almost all people, but any worsening conditions always primarily hits marginalized/oppressed groups, including LGBTKI+ In this text, various options for writing the abbreviation “LGBT (IKA+)” are deliberately left, since our heroes have different preferences in its use. . In addition to this, in the air, the requirement was hung out not to shine. Indeed, in the world, war - and you can only talk about it. So, under the noise, while the voices of LGBTKI+ are drowned out, it became easier to drag quirphobic laws. War is a monstrously important topic. Always and especially now. But no one has the right to force their fellow citizens, whose life and well -being both before and now, especially now, are under a constant threat. I often talk about a rhetorical trick called "Appeal to a greater problem" “Fallacy of Relative Privation” , which is an informal logical error. Here is it.

LGBTKI+ people in Russia I want to say the following: you are important! You are valuable! They love you! We have the right to talk about ourselves and our problems. We have the right to fight for a prosperous life just like everyone else. The war will end one day, and we will remain. We live here. The strength for us all. In the struggle against the war and in the struggle for their rights!

We talk about Russia's military invasion of Ukraine, protests and repression. We believe that now, when dozens of media have closed or ceased to cover the war, access to independent information is more important than ever.

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T., 25 years old, Nebinaric person, he/she. Southern Urals

We began to worry about the war a few weeks until February 24, and the heart fell on February 22 on his [Putin] appeal. These days and I simply sat and looked at the wall in absolute shock. I poorly remember whether we cried on the first day or only after a while, when photographs and stories began to appear. The memories of this seem very distant.

I don't want to go anywhere. This can be strange, but from the beginning of the war, on the contrary, I began to feel much stronger feelings for Russia. I wanted to be closer to her, because I feel sorry for her to tears and people here too. I feel that I should be here, that I need here, that others need my help.

Why should I leave? I am not pursued criminally, I have no children. I have two cats and a partner who shares my feelings. And I know that this is, perhaps, an anomaly, not a completely normal reaction to the current situation, and I know how others are scary, bad and dangerous to be here. I want everyone who can and wants to be where they are better. Although I am sure that many will return sooner or later, because they go not of their own free will, but they probably want to go nowhere, but to the country that will be safe.

It seems that before the war I thought more about leaving than after its beginning. My partner and I hated our city and really wanted to escape from here, he directly strangled us. We thought about Peter. And then the war began and we are: "Actually, this city is nothing, and we are very needed here."

We are now engaged in building a local community of transgender people, collecting discussion groups. We just realized that we need to start from scratch, from the very basics, do not wait for our rights to fall on our heads, and help people to help people right now. If you leave here, then only when the community is strong enough to survive our absence.

Of course, here all kinds of laws are trying to write new about propaganda, and they put pressure on everyone stronger, and the hormones in pharmacies either disappeared or went up. But it seems to me that the position of LGBT people is now exactly as much as the situation of all the people living in Russia in general, because first of all no one has money and it is difficult to find a job. But, of course, the more marginalized you are, the worse for you from everything that is happening, I do not argue here. LGBT people also have the following chances to find money for moving.

I am very inspired by what I can fantasize. The current government has no idea why all these sacrifices and torment. They have everything so that something is not to prevent something. I am sad for an entire country that does not allow myself to fantasize at least some tangible future, some kind of ideal, except financial security.

Once, in the first month of the war, I returned from the street at five in the morning, glued two stops with anti -war stickers, and tried to calm down before going to bed back. And I stumbled upon a 2020 video with a Tarot’s layout for the future of Russia. And I remember how goosebumps ran all over my body when I watched him: the description of the 2022 year was very similar to what is happening now. The alignment said that very soon this government would leave and the Russians will understand that all this time could be better. And the further the alignment was, the stronger I believed that the government is now digging its grave, that this is, perhaps, exactly what it stumbled on. And then I began to fantasize.

I fantasized about what evening shows will be after the change of power, what TV shows and films will be, which they will talk loudly and with relief. And what interesting books will begin to write, wow! I fantasized about my future, about what we will do and how we will travel around Russia, how we will restore everything destroyed, inside and out. This gives me a goal, the feeling that I live for something and strive for something.

It helps me to write out all my ideas, desires, how everything should be, what Russia we want, do we want Russia at all, or do we want all this to fall apart into small pieces, each of which would be responsible for itself? What world do we want?

At the beginning of the war, I read David Greber's “delusional work” and picked up an extremely important concept there for me (not invented by him) - “the pleasure of being the reason”. This is what helped me at the beginning, when I felt powerless, useless, as if they put me in a box and shake, and I can’t do anything about it. Activism helped me a lot. I felt my (Ino) agency and felt that I could influence the world, even if I did not see the results at once. For example, I glued a bunch of anti -war stickers, 95% of them were torn off in a few hours, but 5 pieces were left for several weeks at the stop and on the railing of the cheapest pharmacy in the district. How many people managed to see them? Um! It very encouraged me. I fantasized about these people: what did they think, did it please them?

I really want to see every LGBT man at the funeral of this regime, so hold on in order to at least joke the funniest jokes, and at a maximum-so that everyone together, having taken up the handles, build a new country! Inspect each other and believe that Russia will be free!

Vladimir, 18 years old, gay, he/him. Krasnodar Territory

I remember how terrible a trip to the University of February 24 was, what anxiety, before this unfamiliar type, I began to experience. Returning from the steam, I did not stay in the hostel, but went to my friend's rest of the day. We prepared and discussed what was happening. It is always easier to experience this next to someone close to someone close.

Before the start of the war, I wanted to pay more attention to the effective distribution of time, and also start dancing. In general, 2022 was planned as a year of self -love, a year of getting rid of complexes and becoming oneself. And if before the war I could perceive Russia as a country comfortable for life and believed that the future here could be bright, then after it began to hope for something good here, I practically ceased. Yes, I still want to believe: Russia will be a free, peaceful country with worthy people in power. However, when it comes and whether I will endure my life here before this happy moment, I do not know.

In recent years, I dreamed of someday going abroad to study, and then move to another country. From the beginning of the war, this desire has only been strengthened, but now I understand that it will probably be more difficult to get into the country of dreams.

I perfectly understand those who are leaving, and, it seems, would have done the same thing, if I had such an opportunity. Safety and comfort, in my opinion, are above all. At the same time, it is easier for me when I realize that I was not alone here. The understanding that it is difficult not only for me, but also to thousands of people who live here, encounter similar problems and do not give up, gives strength.

In Russia, it is now more difficult to engage in LGBT activism, since everyone is focused on the invasion of Ukraine, and the problems of LGBT people are now, to put it mildly, not primary. The situation is sad, since the Quirs are still under pressure, and Russian society is in no way approaching to become more tolerant. But I am given strength to communicate with people pleasant to me and the desire to secure a good future.

What exactly became more is meetings with loved ones and communicating with them as a whole. Only with dear people can these events be experienced. I believe that now you can’t give up, and you need to continue to go to your goals, improve.

I want to say the following LGBT people in Russia: you are all incredibly strong and will surely deal with difficulties on the path to well-being and justice. The war will end, Putin will be remembered as a war criminal, justice will triumph.

On the day when the war ends, I will see my loved ones to thank them for the fact that they were nearby all this time and did not let them desperate. Of course, on this day I will let myself relax and reflect on what can happen next.

Alina, 24 years old, bisexual, she/her. Moscow

At first I had a denial and some kind of numbness. I remember that I read the news about the shelling and I had the feeling that I was watching a film or reading historical reports. Perhaps it was derealization. And then I read on Twitter the post of some man from Nikolaev, who wrote that they had bombed the station, and asked me to help to leave-and I just broke through, I began to sob. My grandfather was from Odessa, my great -grandmother and great -grandfather were buried there, I was in Odessa and Nikolaev several times, I saw the sea there for the first time in my life, these are very expensive places for my heart. From this there was a feeling of some very childish resentment: "How dare you, do not touch, enough, leave me alone from Odessa, well, please." Now, of course, I understand that “It's Not About Me”, but the first reaction was very selfish. And there were no thoughts.

Before the war, I had the feeling that everything could become very bad at any moment and it remains only to live one day, I have never been an optimist. But before the war, these were expectations in the spirit of "I would be fired from all work, and I will be left without money at all" or "all friends will throw me, and I will be left alone forever." And now I am afraid that prices can grow 10 times in one day, or in the country they can declare martial law, or Moscow will be bombed, or they will put me for the use of the word “war”, or all my friends will leave and I will never see them again. Well, I also learned a lot about how I cope with emergency situations (I cope well with how it turned out).

Because of the war, I finally felt bad enough to stop denying my depression and reach a psychiatrist. I also began to volunteer - to help the Ukrainian_Kam taken to Russia. What is joyful for me - I became deeper than before, to be interested in the theater, I finally admitted to myself that I really wanted to do this. This is the effect of antidepressants, I think.

Honestly, I am very glad that there are a lot of my good friends and acquaintances, including LGBTIC+, while they stay here. At the beginning of the war, there was a feeling that everyone would leave and I would just be left alone with Putin, but no, there are still many beautiful people around me who, as they can, protest, help Ukrainian, utilize money, support each other, simply retain themselves alive and human.

About those who left - I'm sorry that many of my good friends are now far away, but I can understand them, of course. There is some kind of stupid feeling that now we can’t understand each other, that they probably condemn me for being left, and I do not even write almost any of them. I understand that in reality this is not so, but this is a feeling that is difficult to get rid of.

At some point, literally everyone around was going to leave with almost one day, including two of my closest friends, and I succumbed to a common panic and also began to plan a departure. Schulman's words sounded in your head all the time: “Do not make a decision from the point of panic,” but then it seemed that there was no time to build up and you need to leave right today, otherwise a disaster. And then Visa and Mastercard stopped working, tickets began to cost frantic money anywhere, flights began to be canceled constantly, it was not clear even if I could ever return if I left. In general, I was very scared, it became clear that I could not stand it and it was easier for me to stay. And then the panic passed and it became clear that it was still possible to live in Russia, and I decided to stay until I had housing, work and friends and until there was a direct threat of my life.

Perhaps I would have left now, if I found a job or study abroad, but I'm not ready to leave anywhere. In addition, I am simply very attached to my house, family, friends, city, in the end, a philologist-Russianist, I don’t have a partner, with which we could leave together, I have a depression that does not contribute to adaptability-I’m afraid it would be very difficult for me to adapt in a new country.

It is difficult for me to judge the position of LGBTC in Russia from my own experience, because I have not have any relations for a long time and I talk about my orientation only to people who I know for sure that they are LGBTIC FRANDLILS. It turns out that I am a bisexual, but I do not encounter discrimination on this subject. But I think, on the one hand, the problems of the LGBTC-loves simply faded into the background in connection with the war, they began to write and talk less about them. On the other hand, there was even more stigmatization: propaganda regularly uses homosexuality as an occasion to insult, there is a draft of this new law about “propaganda of non-traditional relations”, Russian LGBT network and all the media that could write something about us are foreign agents. I am afraid to be less and less representations of the LGBTC in culture in culture over time, because censorship is tightened, foreign culture becomes difficult to access. Well, the experience of the LGBTIC-LUBS is often not much different from the experience of cishetero people: the war greatly worsened the situation of all Russians, regardless of sexual preferences and gender identity.

I am helped by antidepressants, therapy, my friends and acquaintances, volunteering, my mother, with whom we are volunteering, my work, my work, my interest in the theater, my desire to find out what will happen next, beautiful things that I try to surround myself, every pleasant vacation like a walk or playing ping-in general, it just helps to live life because it did not end. Russia will be free, Quirry and peaceful.

The main character in the film “Jojo’s Rabbit” to the question of what she will do when the war ends, answers that she will dance. I probably will pay first, and then I will also try to dance.

Elena L., Bisexual, city n

I am a LGBT activist, for more than three years I have been a volunteer in a community center Space for LGBTCs , now it is the only center in my city. I make an offline state schedule and spend them, leading support groups for LGBT people.

On the first day of the war, I did not really believe in the possibility of such an event. Most of all I was struck by how, from the side of the pro-government media, this quickly became a story about the fighting, which is carried out somewhere in another part of the world, and not in a neighboring state. I could not believe in this horror and hoped that the war would end quickly. The first few days I could not cry because of the shock from what was happening. At some point, I succeeded, and a whole month I cried in the subway on the road to the center a whole day.

When I look at the calendar, I am surprised that July is already. It seems as if still on February 24 or 25.

I can’t close my eyes and pretend that everything is right. Banally, but my historical education does not allow me this. I have understanding and the ability to compare, understand and analyze what is happening. And, probably, a difficult point is that my girlfriend is from Ukraine. And it seems to me that our whole story is divided into these two points: there is my experience, my feelings, and there is also her experience as a person who lived there. I have no way to leave: there is no money or work. I decided to stay here. There are definitely those who remain in the country, because they simply cannot afford it.

I am very proud that many people who are engaged in anti-war activism are LGBT people. And before the war, we knew how it was - when the system is trying to expose you, to say that you are not, that you are a spy or agent. In many ways, because of this, LGBT activist_ki very actively joined the anti-war campaign.

In everyday life, I notice that the level of aggression towards the Quir-Melules has grown. In principle, people have become more irritated, they can shout or spill aggression differently. It was as if we entered a new round when our community was declared urine to drain the hatred of ordinary people. The state seems to shout: "We will show Mariupol, show them the former community centers and say that we need to protect children from this." This is demoralized by the activist: there is a war, and the laws on gay propaganda are also being considered and new foreign agents appear. I look at the situation and I think that no one will make a camming out, because it is becoming more complicated and complicated.

I do not have enough LGBT content in Russian: many platforms were closed because of the war and now everything has to be watched in Spanish, English or French. I am inspired by the Quir-stand-up, several times I was on open microphones. Speech helps: I can speak out, talk about what worries me. It became such a sip of fresh air. I also go to a consultation with a psychologist_in, this is also a good opportunity to discuss the problems that are relevant to me.

I thought about my classes outside work and activism. I began to draw, I was in a clay modeling class, more often I began to communicate with loved ones. I was lucky with the fact that I have a very supportive environment and taking my parents.

I want to say to the LGBT people that you are not alone: you are not alone in Russia or all over the world. LGBT people from other countries remember you, they know that you are, and know about the difficulties that we are faced with. It is important to remember that you have every right to life in this country. We will not go anywhere from here: people like us will continue to be born in Russia, and no advertising of mayonnaise with an ideal heteronormal family will change this. We will be here, whoever says.

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