"There is an experience that must be forgotten"

9–13.12.2013

The New Times continues to monitor the fate of a person who has a deadly diagnosis*

Winter came to New York-a difficult time for such stunted people like me. I still pour blood on me, antibiotics are administered every other day. In such conditions, you are not very happy with the snow and minus temperatures outside the window. Because it’s somehow uncomfortable to think about what any cold can end.

This thing - negative experience - is a very terrible phenomenon. The disease, of course, takes strength, but after a while the body is restored and lives as if nothing had happened. But the memory - she does not let go, and you remember the nights and days in the intensive care unit, yourself, chained dozens of tubes to the devices of dialysis, artificial respiration, droppers. You really want and try not to remember this. And I try not to remember that I had a failed seven days in a coma due to septic shock. I know about how it was from the stories of others, but I saw the consequences and I know that in those days I was not just helpless - I was dying.

After I returned to life, I could not fall asleep, I had to ask the doctors to prescribe sleeping pills for me. Honestly, I began to abuse somewhat hydromorphine, I asked him even with not very severe pain, although before, on the contrary, I did everything to resort to painkillers, only when there was no strength to endure at all. But now ... After the introduction of the medicine, everything became not so disgusting. I had to fight this, I had to overpower the habit of relying on such “crutches” for the psyche. In short, I turned to the doctor for help.

There is nothing more useless than a psychiatrist who does not really understand you because of the language barrier. However, I also did not really understand her. We tried to conduct sincere conversations about what is now scary and why I demand from the nurse to constantly measure my temperature and pressure. “I'm afraid to get sepsis again,” I explained honestly. “But you have a normal temperature, normal leukocytes and increased pressure - it is impossible to get sepsis with such parameters!” - said the doctor. What could you answer here? "Yes, I know that it is." And yes, I know that with such introductory it is very difficult to earn a sepsis. But I also know what it feels like - to fly in a coma for a week, wake up with the mask of an artificial ventilation apparatus on the face and painfully restore strength in order to just get up.

And this knowledge is worse, and therefore much livelier in my mind.

There is an experience that we must learn to forget. I have accumulated too much of it ...

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